Aaaawww – is he / she ever cute, some babies are not so cute, but to be polite we must go aaaawww anyway. Wait till this baby hits the terrible two's, you will want to beat the cute right out of it, and many more times thereafter – maybe even after the cute has turned into a mouthy teenager or an ego maniac adult. What if the cute baby never leaves home, brings his girlfriend in to live with him, the food is good and he'll have guaranteed health care until he's at least twenty-six.
Babies poop, and like animals babies have no couth when it comes to when and where they poop, and who knows where that stink comes from, genes, on the father's side no doubt. Babies also can not tell the time so they get hungry in the middle of the night when most people in their right minds want sleep. They also cry a lot, fart, burp and throw up – some carry these habits into adulthood, lucky you.
After the cute baby stage they become children and watch TV – here, at an early age, they learn how to become consumers. The consumer training usually comes out in the candy or toy section when you have major shopping to do for your barbeque tonight, and you are already late. Who would have thought that your cute little Jimmy or Jenny could throw a tantrum of such magnitude that the manager will ask you to leave the store – and not politely either.
This is how nature evens things out, your parents warned you, 'wait until you have your own kids' – it is a kind of karma, cruel but affective. Just think you too will have your chance to move a thousand miles away to a warmer climate and burst into uncontrollable laughter after you hang up the phone. And you will become an obsessive liar as well, "yes we really miss you and the kids."
That cute kid that went berserk in the supermarket will surprise you all the way through life. Hey, guess what, they lie – and they are really good at it, and if they can become especially proficient at it, and if they have a low enough IQ, they will start in local politics, maybe even at the high school level , and then eventually become a powerful congressman telling you how to live your life, you have been warned.
Your cute little baby Jenny who made a poo-poo in her diaper, and you were so pleased with her performance, aaawww, will become a teenager, turn on you and start dating a biker, whom you, dad, will be too afraid of to do anything about it. When you ask her where she was all night she will lie to you without blinking – aaawww, Jenny made a poo-poo.
Back to the test idea – The correct answer qualifies you for baby responsibility.
Q. Six-year-old little Jimmy feeds your prized pet goldfish to Frisky, you catch him in the act, he denies he did it and takes the Fifth.
a. You beat him with Frisky until his eyes pop out, and send him to bed without dinner.
b. You spank him on the behind and send him to bed without dinner.
c. You scold him, tell him the error of his ways, and put him in the dunce corner.
d. You use the child psychology that you learned on the internet – attempt to reason with him, tell him he is a good boy, give him a cookie and agree to give him five bucks if he levels with you.
Here's what Jimmy grows up to be from each answer, so get it right, his future is up to you.
a. He becomes a Baptist minister.
b. He becomes a left-wing Harvard professor teaching Political Science.
c. He becomes a brain surgeon.
d. He becomes a Wall Street Investment Banker and steals more money than Bernie Madoff.
Correct answer – none of the above. You ship little Jimmy to your parent's home in Florida with a note. They were right, you are a crappy parent and considering they are so wise, they can bring him up – you are moving to the Caribbean to waste the rest of your life as a beach bum just as they predicted when you were six and took the Fifth.
They also got the answer wrong.